Long Time No See

The first round of holidays are over. Only about 3 weeks until Christmas. Good lord, time is flying by.

November 28th was my 31st birthday. I definitely feel like I’m in my 30’s at this point. My husband took me to dinner at Table Five 08, an American gastro-pub here in Salem. It was okay, but we felt the food was mediocre for the prices they were charging. Afterwards we went and saw Murder on the Orient Express. I highly recommend the movie, it’s well worth the two hours.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, I decided I would allow the Christmas monster to barf in our apartment. It’s like a holiday playland in our place at this point. But, of course, I pushed myself a bit too hard when I was decorating. Standing too long, and lifting far too much. I had to take several breaks while I was decorating. Which makes me feel a bit defeated because I can hardly walk around our 1,000sq ft apartment before I need to sit and rest.

Decorating our apartment was my half-hearted attempt to find some source of happiness in my surroundings. Maybe by bringing out all of our Christmas belongings I will feel better. Raise my spirits a bit.

I haven’t been writing and posting quite as much firstly because of Thanksgiving and then after that I just felt myself starting to fall into another bout of depression. My pain is slowly getting worse and I feel as though the muscles in my lower body are starting to get even more tense and angry. Most of the time when I stand up I do this odd hunching motion until my muscles let go a little. Thankfully my sciatica hasn’t been as much of an issue lately, unless I’ve been sitting for a long period of time.

Around 3:00 a.m. on Saturday morning I woke up out of a restless sleep with this extreme, full-body feeling of dread and doom. At that very moment I swore that I was about to die. I hadn’t had such a fear inducing anxiety attack in so long. Breathing heavily and burying my head a bit further into the sheets I just rode it out until it finally passed. Of course, it felt like it lasted for hours. When it finally passed, I was at a complete loss. What the hell caused that to happen? Perhaps it’s all of the worry and uncertainty surrounding my hip stuff. Perhaps it’s the tense environment I’ve been working with for the past month. I don’t know, maybe it’s a combination of things.

I’ve noticed that whenever I go down to Eugene to spend time with my husbands parents, the subject of my grandparents always seems to come up. I know that it’s being asked out of concern and innocent curiosity about whether anyone has come to their senses. But, as the answer usually goes, “nope, I haven’t heard from anyone in months.” Which is the truth, no one has reached out. I think that may be a large part of the reason why my mood tends to dip a little during November and December. It’s truly unfortunate that families have to be so crazy sometimes. I know we can’t choose them, but I really wish that were possible.

Tomorrow at 3:00, I have my appointments. I’ll be getting the aspiration of hip fluid, steroid injection, and MRI. It’s going to be a long afternoon.

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