Over the years I had sat and pondered what it would have been like if I had stayed with my birth mother. Just knowing how she is, and the way she seems to live on the drama that she causes. I’m glad that I didn’t end up staying with her. In a small way I feel sorry for the children she ended up having after me. They had to grow up dealing with her, and her mood swings. Just the small amount that I had directed towards me was more than enough. I couldn’t imagine a lifetime of it.
But growing up with my grandparents wasn’t the greatest of situations either. Yes I had everything I needed, and I never wanted for anything. But looking back, I realize that the material things that they were always providing for me was their only way of showing affection towards me. Instead of hugs, kisses, and ‘I love you’s’ I got toys and clothes. Yeah, it was great when I was little. But at the time I didn’t have the ability to understand what was wrong.
It’s been over a year since the contact between me and my grandparents, as well as my uncle and his wife. The last time I spoke to my uncle, it was shortly after my grandma had fallen and injured her hip. She was at the hospital here in Salem, and my uncle was calling me and my aunt and yelling at us because we weren’t there to take care of her and visit her in the hospital. I tried my hardest to explain to him the reasoning behind our decision not to visit. I personally didn’t want to go to the hospital because there was the chance that I would end up running into my birth mother. The thought of having that happen made me want to spiral into a panic attack. But my uncle isn’t a person that can be reasoned with. He lacks the ability to listen and understand other people’s views. His main response to everything I was saying was “well, you just need to grow up and get over it.”
Yeah, thanks, so helpful.
But thinking about the alternative of what the situation could have been. I don’t really know what I would have thought about something like that. I’ve known people that have been in the foster care system and it was very difficult for them. Moving from house to house, and sometimes the families that they ended up with weren’t always the best. So, I feel like either way it would have been a pretty rough start.
The main thing that I can take away from all of this is that I have learned a lot over the years. When the time comes that I have children, I know a lot of things to not do. The way I look at it is, whatever they did, learn to do the exact opposite. I think that’s why I’ve been a lot pickier with who I ended up being with, and basically made it my life’s work to not get pregnant at a young age. I didn’t want to repeat what had happened before, I didn’t want to continue the cycle.
One of my greatest fears growing up was that somehow I was going to turn into my birth mother. I didn’t want to end up inadvertently making the same mistakes that she did.
I feel as though I’ve finally found my way in life. I’ve married a man I truly love, I’ve finished my degree, I have two fur-babies that I absolutely adore. We have really started to build a happy, comfortable life for ourselves.