In the Present

Well, I suppose we find ourselves in the current timeline.

I feel as though I’m existing in a limbo. Nothing is getting better but nothing is getting worse. Although I try my hardest to push through the pain and to ignore the cramping and popping.

The main struggle at this point is my mood. The pain and discomfort has been getting to me much more than it had been in the past.

I feel like a ticking time-bomb.

It doesn’t seem to take very long for me to get set off by something. A few weeks ago I was trying to cook a meal in the new Instant Pot we had gotten as a wedding gift, and it wasn’t exactly going the way that I had hoped it would. The anger kept building and I just gave into it, which is something I try my hardest not to do. I went to our room, laid in bed and cried, it’s just too much to keep bottled up sometimes.

Then it got so much worse.

I started feeling dizzy and nauseous so I went and sat on the edge of the tub and tried to calm myself down. Of course this wasn’t going as well as I had planned. I started shaking and crying harder, I was spiraling into a full blown panic attack. I hadn’t had one of those in quite some time, I guess I was due for one.

My poor husband is trying to console me, and of course that doesn’t really help, I just have to ride it out until it fades. Eventually it begins to slow down and I can make my way back into our bedroom. I lay in bed, tears streaming down my face, for the rest of the night.

The next day I’m exhausted and I feel like a wandering zombie at work, I can tell my productivity is really lacking.

I decide to contact my regular physician again to see if there is anything he can do to help with the pain until I go and see the orthopedic doctor. He offers me some prescription strength anti-inflammatory meds and I decide it isn’t worth it. If Vicodin doesn’t ease the pain, I’m fairly certain an anti-inflammatory isn’t going to do me much good.

That brings us to this past week. I realize that I’m in a cycle again, work, eat, tv, sleep. I need to find something to occupy my time and help me feel like I have a purpose again. Yes, I suppose I could work on my art again, but the drive and passion for it just isn’t there. I haven’t really drawn or touched clay since I finished school six months ago. At first I thought maybe I was just burnt out and needed to take a break. But as time progressed I found myself feeling like I should be sketching, painting, or playing with clay, but the desire was just gone. The only reason I can come up with is because of my state, physically.

Ceramics isn’t an easy hobby or profession, it’s dirty, heavy, and can be very uncomfortable. The thought of putting my body through that right now just sounds like a huge task. Even if I found the desire to continue, I’m not sure I could tolerate the conditions anymore. And it hurts, it really does. I see all of the work that I had completed when I was in school and I think of what a slacker I had become, I’ve barely done anything artistic in months.

Before I had finished school I decided I wanted to go to grad school and get my masters in teaching. I wanted to be that odd high school art teacher that everyone wanted to hang out with. Be like the art teachers that I had growing up. This has also taken a backseat to my hips. Mentally, I know I can do it. But physically, completing an internship in a classroom, the thought makes me cringe in pain. And sad for an opportunity I’m missing out on.

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